How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space Read online

  The vampires native to this universe expected to be either stunned or vaporized. Neither happened. The beams of light had no more effect than toy laser pointers. As they realized the weapons weren’t hurting them, they grinned and howled and plucked fresh victims out of the cowering crowd.

  “Increase power!” Diop shouted. “Watch the colonists!”

  The security team advanced, getting closer to their targets as they adjusted the settings on their weapons. The colonists were behind the vampires, and a missed shot could mean more dead innocents. But the crew knew how to handle their lasers, and once again each beam struck an undead ghoul. There was just as little effect as before, save for some scorched clothes.

  “I don’t think that’s going to work, Captain,” I said. “Time to get hands-on.”

  “I got this.” Safiya lifted her stake and charged.

  One of the vamps from her world saw her coming and showed fear for the first time. He grabbed one of his new offspring and hurled her at the vampire hunter. Safiya didn’t pass up the opportunity, and an instant later the unsuspecting former colonist was a pile of black dust.

  The captain and I both jumped into the fray, coming to the aid of the security team who were now engaging the monsters hand-to-hand. The creatures had the edge in strength and speed, but the Excellence crew were much more skilled fighters, resulting in something of a stalemate.

  I found myself squaring off with a female vampire, tall and dark-skinned, wearing an Excellence uniform. Her face was in vamp mode, all sunken eyes, bony ridges and gleaming fangs still dripping with blood. We stood for a moment, taking each other’s measure.

  “I’m sorry this happened to you,” I said.

  “I’m not.” She wiped her wet chin with her hand, then licked up the red liquid. “I’ve been wasting my life with this peaceful exploration nonsense. I’m going to eat you, and then I’m going to eat that pompous ass of a captain, and then I’m going to eat anyone else I want, forever and ever!”

  “It’s good to have goals.”

  She snarled and charged me. Her hands were outstretched, poised to grab my shoulders and pull my neck in towards her fangs. I planted my feet, clenched my fist, and punched her right in the bony ridge, scraping skin off my knuckles. She halted her charge, just for a moment, so I followed up with a kick right in her gut. She buckled, holding her stomach, then looked up at me, tossing her hair back. Her eyes were wild with rage and she licked her teeth as she stood up straight.

  A security officer tackled her from the side, pinning her arms. They staggered a few steps together before she planted herself. A second officer grabbed her from the other side, and together they just about managed to hold her in place.

  “Ryland!” I turned to see Diop standing by one of the panels in the wall. The small alcove beneath lit up with a blue glow, and when the light faded Diop pulled out a sharp wooden stake. He tossed it to me, then tapped an indicator on the console, materializing another stake in a shimmer of blue.

  The vampire saw what I had in my hand and her eyes widened. She redoubled her efforts to escape, throwing herself from side to side. The two officers were red-faced with the effort of keeping her contained.

  I raised the stake.

  “No!” she shouted. “No, no!”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am.”

  I plunged the stake into her heart.

  She threw back her head and howled. The officers released her and stepped back.

  She stopped howling. She looked down at the piece of wood sticking out of her chest. “Huh.”

  “Did I miss?” I asked. “Isn’t that where your heart is?”

  “Oh, it’s in my heart. I can feel it.” She smiled. “Doesn’t hurt a bit.”

  Slowly, she pulled the stake out. A few trickles of dark, viscous blood oozed out before the wound sealed over.

  She took a step towards me. “Looks like your little toothpick doesn’t work. Too bad for—”

  She burst apart into black dust. The dust settled, revealing Safiya, her stake raised.

  “Mine still works,” she said.

  A crew member came up behind her. He tapped her on the shoulder, and as she turned, he sucker punched her. She staggered back, dropping the stake, which the crew member caught.

  The red-headed, recently dead Lieutenant Siparo grinned, examining the weapon he had just stolen. “I think this is better off in my hands, miss.”

  “Siparo,” Captain Diop said. “Stand down.”

  “I don’t think so, Captain.” Siparo’s face went full vamp. He rubbed at the blood on his neck, now dry around the closed wound. “I don’t think any of us will be standing down any time soon.”

  The vampires had paused their attack and were watching Siparo in awe. The ex-lieutenant tapped the stake against his chin. “These are supposed to kill us, yes? But the one made in the synthesizer didn’t work. This requires some thought.”

  “What thought?” One of the twenty-first century vampires broke from the pack to move towards Siparo. “You did great, dude! Uh, I mean...my minion!” He nodded at the other vamp from the past. “How’s that sound, Elliot? Do I sound like our old master? I’m senior vampire now, which means I’m in charge, dudes! I mean, my children! So let’s drink these nerds dry, what do you say? I mean...kill them all! I command it!”

  Without even looking, Siparo thrust his arm out to the side and plunged the stake into the boastful vampire’s heart. He and his aspirations of greatness vanished together in a puff of black dust.

  “I’ve decided I’m in charge, actually,” Siparo said. “You.” He snapped his fingers. “Elliot. You have a problem with that?”

  Elliot bowed his head. “No, master.”

  “Excellent.”

  I was preparing to charge Siparo in an attempt to get our only effective weapon back when I noticed Diop across the room, trying to catch my eye. I raised an eyebrow and he nodded towards the center of the room, where the vamps were all roughly clustered together, then towards Siparo, who was standing slightly apart.

  The captain had something planned. So instead of tackling Siparo, I gave him a nice hard shove. It took him by surprise and he staggered a couple of feet, towards the center of the room, dropping the stake. Diop tapped the sun symbol on his chest and shouted, “Now!”

  The air encircling the vampires rippled blue, then was clear again. Siparo reached out his hand and retracted it when he touched the force field.

  “Damn it!” he shouted.

  Safiya retrieved her stake, and she and I joined the captain.

  “That won’t hold them long,” I muttered. “The other vampire pushed right through the one in your brig.”

  “They don’t know that,” he whispered back. “Not yet, anyway.”

  “Let us out, Diop!” Siparo shouted. The energy barrier buzzed and sparked as he pounded on it. “Let us out!”

  The security guards ushered the terrified colonists out of the room. One of the dead bodies, not inside the force field, began to stir, but Safiya staked the corpse before it could open its eyes, and it exploded into dust.

  “Why does only your stake work?” Diop asked her.

  “Is yours made of wood?”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “Real wood?”

  “Yes. Well, no, not exactly. Synthetic. But it’s identical. Down to the subatomic level. There’s no physical difference between—”

  “Magic, Captain,” I said. “I’m guessing by vampire rules, if it’s not natural, it’s not wood, and if it’s not wood, it’s not gonna work.”

  The vampires, encouraged by Siparo, began to test their energy prison. The center of the room was awash with blue light as they pressed against the force fields. Their flesh was sizzling, and a few gave up, but most were unrelenting. Siparo laughed.

  “Stakes aren’t the only weapons that work, Captain,” I said. “Remember?”

  He nodded and tapped the sun symbol on his chest. “Kirin?”

  “Lieut
enant Liao here, Captain. Commander Kirin is on her way to join you.”

  “Activate fire suppression, Lieutenant. Ordinary combustible.”

  “Aye, sir.”

  “And lay in the course correction I told Kirin to prepare.”

  “Aye.”

  “Course correction?” I asked.

  “Just in case.” He looked up and smiled. “Here we go. This ought to slow them down, if what Miss Bhatti told us is correct.”

  A cool drop of water hit my cheek, then another, then another. I shielded my eyes with my hand and looked up at the water that was now pouring down from the ceiling.

  A scream of terror came from the force field. Elliot, the twenty-first century vampire, ceased his assault and dropped to the ground, covering his head with his hands. The other vampires stood around him, confusion on their twisted faces.

  “Is this supposed to do something?” Siparo asked.

  Elliot stopped screaming and looked at his hands. “Running water, man! This should be flaying the skin off our bones.” He smiled. “But it’s not! Awesome!”

  “Let me guess,” Safiya said. “Synthetic water?”

  Diop glowered. “Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom. What does it matter how they came to be combined?” He waved a hand at me before I could answer. “I know, I know. Magic. Liao, deactivate fire suppression.” He pointed to the far end of the room. “We’re not beaten yet. That’s not synthetic.”

  I hadn’t noticed the blue planet of Aras Alpha disappearing from the large window, but as I watched, a bright yellow glow appeared on the left side.

  “That’s a real window, right?” I asked. “Not a display screen?”

  “It’s a real window, and it’s about to let in a lot of real sunlight.”

  The future undead may not have known that running water was supposed to hurt them, but the effect of sunlight on vampires must have been as well known in this universe as it was in my own. They saw Aras Alpha’s sun appearing and many of them panicked, throwing themselves again and again against the force field.

  Only Lieutenant Siparo stayed calm, watching the approaching dawn. As the light grew brighter, he held out his hand to it and smiled.

  “Nothing.” He turned back to face us. “I don’t even feel warm.”

  The vampires calmed down. Elliot pulled his shirt down from over his head. “Oh, wow,” he said. “That feels nice. I haven’t felt sunlight on my skin in decades.”

  “It’s not Earth’s sun,” I said. “To them, this is just starlight, up close.”

  “Well. That is interesting.” Siparo cracked his knuckles. “This opens up a whole galaxy of possibilities, doesn’t it?”

  Diop stiffened, tugging on the bottom of his shirt. “Not for you, Lieutenant. You’re not going anywhere.”

  Siporo grinned. He raised a hand, one finger in the air, then gestured towards the force field.

  The vampires, as one, ran into it. The field shimmered blue, then, with a popping sound, blazed out of existence.

  The colonists had been led to safety, at least. Temporary safety, anyway. Diop, Safiya and I stood our ground while the guards came to our sides. The living and the dead squared off.

  “We can take them!” A stocky male colonist ran forward, standing between the two groups. “Come on, Lieutenant, they’ve only got the one stake! We can—”

  I flinched as something flew past my head and landed in his chest. He only had an instant to look surprised before he exploded in a cloud of dust. The stake that had flown into his heart dropped to the ground and rolled to a stop at my feet.

  “Two,” Commander Kirin said from the doorway. “I thought Ms. Bhatti’s first stake might be useful.”

  Siparo raised a ridged eyebrow. “Nice throw, Commander.” He looked our side over, then his. We had a dozen trained Excellence officers, plus me and Safiya. He had two vamped Excellence officers, one weaselly vamp from the past, and a dozen strong but untrained vampire colonists. Their bloodlust was obvious and they were itching to charge, but he held out an arm, stopping them. “Discretion is the better part of valor, I think. Everyone scatter.”

  The vampires ran for the walls. Safiya chased one down and staked him, but the rest climbed up to the ceiling and disappeared into vents and access hatches. In seconds, only the living remained.

  “We’ve got them on the run, sir!” one of the guards said. “Shall we pursue?”

  “They’re not on the run, Ensign,” Diop replied. “They’re regrouping.”

  Safiya brushed the black dust off her jeans. “You’re right. They’ll hide in the nooks and crannies of this ship and pick everyone off, one by one.”

  “A galaxy of possibilities, he said.” I looked out at the alien sun. “They can take this ship and invade any planet they want, so long as it’s outside Earth’s solar system.”

  “That’s not going to happen.” Diop turned to Kirin. “Commander, tell me you’ve discovered a way to track them.”

  “I have, sir. They don’t show up on life signs or heat sensors, but they do appear on motion sensors.”

  “So wherever there’s motion, but no other readings, there’s a vampire. Good work, Commander. Now. We have two hand-to-hand weapons, but nothing else on board that’s effective. I need ideas.”

  There was silence for a moment. But then I remembered we did have one other means of hurting the vampires.

  “Tell me, Captain,” I said, an idea forming. “What makes a chapel a chapel?”

  ***

  Safiya and I stood on either side of the entrance to the wormhole terminal, stakes in hand. I hit the borrowed insignia on my chest. I wasn’t sure if it was necessary – sometimes the crew touched theirs to speak to one another, and sometimes they didn’t, and I couldn’t tell what the difference was – but better safe than sorry. “We’re in position, Captain.”

  “You’re sure you don’t want some of my people backing you up?”

  “If Commander Kirin is right and it’s just the one, we’ll be fine. Keep your people where they are. Stopping the vampires from picking off strays is more important.”

  Safiya touched her own communicator. “I don’t suppose you’ve had any luck getting control of your beam-me-up room?”

  “Beam-me-up room?” It was Kirin who responded. “If you’re referring to the wormhole terminal, I’m afraid not. Although I cannot tell precisely who is inside, logic dictates it must be Ensign G’hoth. She is among our missing personnel, and only she is skilled enough in wormhole technology to lock out the bridge controls.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Commander,” I said. “We’ll have your beam-me-up room back before you know it. We’re going in.”

  I nodded to Safiya, and we stepped into the entranceway. The door slid open, revealing a blue woman in an Excellence uniform across the room, near the controls. She spun around and hissed at us, baring her fangs.

  “There’s no escape for you this way!” she said. “We’ll turn everyone on the ship, feed on the northern colony, then take over the whole Galactic Union!”

  We looked around the room. Kirin was right, there weren’t any other vampires present.

  “I got this,” Safiya said.

  “Careful. The crew are trained to fight.”

  “Pfft. One vampire? Please.”

  Safiya crossed the long chamber, tossing her stake into the air and catching it again. G’hoth stayed near the wormhole controls, but put her right hand to her hip.

  I ran and tackled Safiya out of the way just before the beam of blue light from G’hoth’s laser pistol could atomize her. The section of deck where she had been standing was charred black.

  “Split!” I yelled.

  We ran to opposite sides of the room, moving diagonally forward to bridge some of the distance between us and our target. G’hoth fired again, just missing me, then turned and took more careful aim at Safiya. The room was completely clear, with no cover anywhere.

  I hurled my stake at the ensign. I didn’t have anywhere near
the strength necessary to pierce her chest that way, so I chucked it at her head instead. It bonked off her noggin, throwing off her aim, and her shot went wild. She snarled and turned, pointing the laser at me. I skidded to a stop, my hands in the air.

  She smiled and carefully leveled her weapon at me.

  Safiya ran right into her, knocking her back against the wormhole controls. She grabbed the vampire’s gun arm and forced it up into the air. I ran to them, but by the time I got there Safiya had already plunged the stake into G’hoth’s heart, turning the blue officer into black dust.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “Likewise. Vampires using lasers. That’s so unfair.”

  I hit my communicator. “All clear down here.”

  “Good work. We need to move quickly, now. My people are tiring, but the vampires aren’t. They’ve killed two more colonists.”

  I cursed under my breath and tapped at the controls.

  “You know how to use this thing?” Safiya asked.

  “Not really. But it’s close enough to technology I’ve seen before that I can reproduce what Kirin showed me. How’s that, Commander?”

  There was a pause before Kirin answered. “I’m afraid not, Mr. Ryland. I’m still locked out. As we feared, someone will need to remain in the wormhole terminal. I’ll come down and take your place.”

  “Stay put, Commander. I remember the sequence you showed me, and you said if this works you’d need all your essential personnel at their stations.”

  “That is correct. We have no way of knowing how the ship’s computer will cope when we implement your plan.”

  I turned to Safiya. “You should probably get clear. No need for both of us—”

  She poked me in the chest with her stake. “Forget it. Somebody has to watch the door. Not to mention your back.”

  “You understand what it means? If you’re still in the room when I do this...”

  “I’ll seal it from the outside, if I can. If not?” She shrugged. “That’s the job.”

  “All right, then. Watch this.” I tapped a long string of numbers and letters into the console. A hum came from the far end of the room, where the wormhole field would form.